Who is the Only Guilty One?

As a girl, I am aware that I can draw unwanted attention, mostly by males who lack manners and perhaps a few brain cells. Since I was quite young, with the advice of my mother, I have become highly immune to any remarks thrown at me by these particular individuals. Whatever they do or say usually makes no difference to me. Nevertheless, on an occasion, I was quite affected by the words said by someone whom I saw daily for a few weeks.

I was wearing a formal blouse and formal skirt, nothing ‘vulgar’ about it. Only my legs, knees down, my face and my palms were bare. So, there was this guy sitting in front of me whose eyes were transfixed on my legs and I was not sure at first if that was the case. Long story short, he passed some rather crude comments about me and my poor limbs to one of his friends.

When I heard about it, my initial reaction was to feel quite disgusted by myself. I felt dirty. Questions swarmed in my head. Did he really think so little of me to actually imagine me like that? Was I nothing more than just a sexual object in the eyes of many? I was so disturbed by this that I even chose to never wear that skirt again. However, the moment I took that conscious decision, I was splashed with a completely different train of thoughts. Why am I holding myself accountable for the thoughts of another? Why should I change myself just because of someone else’s faulty mindset? Why should I feel disgusted by myself when it should have been the other way around?

I was never comfortable with people who advised others to wear less revealing clothes with the aim to perhaps deflect any sort of messed up attention and in a worst case scenario, to avoid being sexually assaulted. I was in formal attire and look at what happened either way. I sort of get it why people say that, it is out of their good faith, but I strongly disagree with this mentality. Ask yourself this question. Do clothes really incite these things or is it rather the thoughts and actions of the person who reacted wrongly?

In this article, I want to focus on those who have been through, more or less, the same experience as me rather than on the reaction of the society since I have already talked about that in the past. Here’s the link if you ever want to check it out: Victim Blaming

With time, society has set a rule: what you wear justifies whatever will happen to you.  I know that, at some point, we have accepted and integrated that. How could we not? After all, we are a product of our environment. However, we need to realize that the comments and thoughts these perverted people come up with are not an outcome of the clothes we are wearing but rather, they stem from much sexism, a distorted need for dominance and a lack of respect for those around them.

Albeit our initial reaction would be to feel disgusted by ourselves, this guilt is highly misplaced. We should not hold ourselves accountable for someone else's behaviour because we are not the ones who whispered in their ears to think in such a messed up way. Besides, our clothes definitely do not come with a banner that says that they should imagine or even say such inappropriate things. The blame, even a tiny bit of it, should never be shifted from the perpetrator because then, we would only be justifying their actions.

I remember there was an incident where a teenage girl was told to step off the bus because she called out an older man who was inappropriately touching her. This reaction is unacceptable. If possible and especially if it is safe for us to do so, we should call these people out. We should voice out that whatever they said or did is shameful. Most importantly, when we see people standing up for themselves, we need to side with them and have their backs. 

Lastly, we need to acknowledge that there are people out there who will try to hurt us regardless of what we are wearing. In this case, we need to take a few precautionary measures. For instance, we should perhaps try to avoid walking alone on an empty street or be careful when we are surrounded by people we do not know. I do wish that utopia did exist but we need to face reality and realise that there are some dangers awaiting us if we are not careful enough.

To be honest, it will take some time to uproot all those stereotypes society has concocted throughout the years. However, not accepting and integrating those prejudices as a reaction to what one has been through is what will trigger the change that needs to happen. Please place the blame on the one who truly deserves it or else you will just be contributing to another form of injustice.

Sending buckets full of love your way,
Kavya H. Saikia 🌸