Victim blaming

“When you are in public, please wear decent clothes that cover your body well to prevent this from happening to you”, strongly advised a person in a position of authority in a school assembly a few years ago following the sexual assault of a teenage girl.

I was shocked and very much outraged. Perhaps my reaction was exaggerated and perhaps it still is, but I could not ignore the ridiculous message hidden behind those words. A certain message that seems to have been so well imbibed by the majority of us. The universal understanding being, cue the drumroll, we are partly to be blamed if we have been sexually assaulted.

Now let me present you with a different scenario, yeah? Let’s say you are casually walking down the street and some random person just stabs you with a knife. Who is to be blamed? Would you say that you are to be held liable for not having worn a full body armour or would you rather agree that it’s the person who stabbed you who should be taking the whole blame and that you did nothing wrong? The choice is easy, right? So why do we complicate things when it comes to sexual harassment or assault?

For all those who are not aware, sexual harassment and sexual assault is about unwanted sexual advances or forced sexual contact such as rape, child abuse or groping. This is a reality for many, whether it be men or women.

Now, the reaction of the majority of the society to this issue is what confuses me the most. While it is legally agreed upon that the attacker is to be punished, we, the society, navigate through so many complicated mazes only to find ways to put a degree of blame on the victim.

Don’t believe me? Let me take a local example. Recently, on our tiny island, a drunk girl was raped and then murdered. While some showed sympathy on social platforms, the majority stated that ‘she should have stayed sober’ or ‘she should have not gone out at night’ or even, ‘she deserved it’.

To be honest, I’m amazed by this illogical ‘logic’. This response is so typical and cliché, really. Raped sober? You deserved that. Raped drunk? You obviously deserved that too. Now let me translate these into that special language so that we can have a better idea of the underlying message.

Raped sober? It’s not the rapist’s fault that he was unable to control his urges. You must have probably done something to provoke him anyways. Raped drunk? Well, that’s your silent way of saying that you want this. So why the hell are you complaining?

Doesn’t sound so noble after all, right?

For all those who support the actions of the rapist by placing some of the blame on the victim on the grounds of what they were wearing, I have a few questions for you. What is your excuse for the sexual assault of women from conventional societies who wear orthodox clothes? What is your excuse for male victims of sexual assault? What is your excuse for infants and children, as young as a month old, who have been sexually abused?

So, let me try to clear some things for you. Being fully covered or barely covered or even naked for that matter is not a green light for forceful physical touch. Having ‘uncontrollable urges’ is not and never will be a valid argument. Most importantly, by defending the acts of the offender and finding ways to prove the victim to be partly responsible, you are vouching for and indirectly approving the perversity of the attacker. In the end, you are just as twisted as the perpetrator.  

The highlight of sexual assault is the absence of oral consent from the victim. If the person has been sexually touched without his/her consent, that person is a victim of sexual assault through no fault of his/hers. Victims of sexual assault do not ‘bring this upon themselves’ and definitely do not ‘deserve this’. Unless there’s a huge sign that says ‘please attack me’, the victim remains a victim. Period.

It’s time we put an end to patriarchy and to our hypocrisy and see sexual assault for what it really is. It is about a sick person attacking a vulnerable one. It is a tragedy.

So often survivors have had their experiences denied, trivialized or distorted. As a person, they are humiliated, demeaned and dehumanized. It’s high time we showed some empathy and common sense.

Sending buckets full of love your way,

Kavya H Saikia 🌸