A Tale of Hunger
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There are many things people dread to talk about; and for me, till now, has been my battle with Anorexia Nervosa.
I was 14 years old when the monsters inside my head got loud enough to convince me to stop eating. For as long as I can remember, I have had issues with my body. It started in a very juvenile way. Even before the onset of puberty, I hated the way my thighs touched or spread out when I sat down. People always told me I was healthy looking but I could never see through their eyes. Whether they told the truth or not didn’t matter to me because in the end, I still didn’t like my pear shaped body. I felt that my legs weren’t willowy enough and that my hips were always more prominent than my chest.
Then college happened, and the weird phase of going through puberty along with it. Since I was not the only one growing and changing, I felt less alone and less self-conscious about my body. However, if I had to pinpoint one episode which truly activated the switch for this harrowing disorder, it would be one where I was told that wearing a uniform of size SMALL made me a fat person. I can still recall the realisation seeping through me, unknown that it would have the effect of poison in the following years. It was the coldest and most astonishing smack in the face that I ever received. It was like the world suddenly made sense, albeit in a cruel way.
Funny enough, at that time, there were no Facebook or Instagram, and therefore, those conventional beauty benchmarks we have today didn’t exist. There was no competition with anyone for ‘likes’. There was only me and my wayward mind. Being a kid, and being by nature very impulsive, I tried what every other person would try when they feel a bit fat; dieting. What initially started as an innocent way of losing a little unwanted weight became a full blown obsession in just a blink of an eye. I learnt all the calories count by heart. I refused to eat anything outside the house. I was always exercising. I always kept a food diary with me. And no matter the result, I was never pleased with myself. The thought that I could be skinnier was pervasive at the back of my mind.
Of course, nothing is as simple as it sounds on paper. The normal intake for me at that time was 2000 calories per day and I was only injecting around 500 calories daily. The pain, the agony, the acid burning through my ribs, the lurking hunger, I took them all as my reward. The bones peeking through my skin were my trophies. I didn’t even have the lucidity to realise how submissive I made myself to pain. I took enjoyment from what people considered torture.
When I was in form 5, I decided I wanted to take it even further and I became vegetarian. I fed myself with Coke Zero, apples, and lettuces. I stopped having my period, I would feel dizzy all the time, I couldn’t concentrate at all in class or in any of my relationships, and if I ate I would purge that food forcefully out of my body. Even after all of that, I was still delusional enough to not realise how self-destructive I became. In my head, it was all for the greater good; it was all a matter of discipline, of strength of character, of having the will to go through excruciating pain to achieve some sort of twisted happiness.
Fortunately, my father got hold of what I was doing and very emotionally made me understand that I was exceedingly near to be spending the rest of my days in a clinic. For the sake of my family, I promised that I would eat normally, take medications and recover.
When I look at myself in the mirror now (at 21), I no longer see a hideous overweight girl (and truth be told, I never was hideous, let alone overweight). But it’s easy to get disconnected from reality and to, once again have my perceptions altered in a lethal way. My eyes can see the truth, my fingers can feel the truth as well, but my imagination has often fed me with vivid lies. It’s only when I detach myself from it that I can see that I am healthy enough.
I do not have any tips on how to get over anorexia. I don’t think anyone can. Sure, physically everything seems fine. It’s easy to conceal something that is visible. But mentally, it’s inescapable. There is always the guilt when you indulge in dessert or pizza or anything that’s above a certain calorie mark. There is always the silent self-loathing when you get home and see a bloated stomach. There is always the unconscious maths in the head concerning calories. It’s a work-in-progress and the first step to getting well is to realise that your mind can play devious tricks to yourself.
Anorexia, like any other eating disorder, transposes your fragile mental state onto your body. Now, I finally realised that it was never about pleasing someone else or conforming to society’s abominable perception of beauty, it was only about me- my fears, my anxiety, my helplessness. It was not a monster society imposed on me through its glamorous models and obsession for thinness, it was my own creation and, if I can create it, I can tame it myself.
Eating disorders aren’t talked about as often as they should be. Doctors would assume you are fine as long as you don’t look like brittle bones. And more often than not, it’s a shameful thing to admit that you have an issue with food- something you NEED to feel privileged to have.
Eating disorders aren’t talked about as often as they should be. Doctors would assume you are fine as long as you don’t look like brittle bones. And more often than not, it’s a shameful thing to admit that you have an issue with food- something you NEED to feel privileged to have.
Nowadays, beauty feels like a competition and we constantly need to be validated, to feel secure that we are good enough. In the midst of these kinds of beliefs, I think it’s easier to get trapped by our own impulses. It’s easier to compromise health for beauty and acceptance. It’s easier to become powerless.
Like I said, I have no advice to give. I am only here to make you aware that such a thing exists and its effects are lifelong. I never grew in height, my breasts never fully developed, my stamina is equivalent to that of a bedridden man, and my mind has never matured emotionally. Despite all, I am a healthy weight now and live a somewhat normal life. Yet, not everybody is as lucky as I am; there are victims that simply die before they are even heard or noticed.
- Heshwinee Ramgoolam
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On my part, I would like to provide you with some information on Anorexia Nervosa. According to Eating Disorder Hope, Anorexia Nervosa is a psychological and possibly life-threatening eating disorder defined by an extremely low body weight relative to stature. Women and men who suffer from anorexia nervosa exemplify a fixation with a thin figure and abnormal eating patterns.
Anorexia Nervosa should be differentiated from Bulimia Nervosa. The main difference between diagnoses according to Johns Hopkins Medicine is that Anorexia Nervosa is a syndrome of self-starvation involving significant weight loss of 15 percent or more of ideal body weight, whereas patients with Bulimia Nervosa are, by definition, at normal weight or above. Bulimia is characterised by a cycle of dieting, binge-eating and compensatory purging behaviour (includes vomiting, diuretic or laxative abuse) to prevent weight gain.
The treatment for eating disorder needs a holistic approach due to its complexity. Consequently, the treatment is broken into 3 steps. Medical treatment requires addressing any other health issue which may have stemmed from malnutrition such as irregular heartbeat and kidney and liver damage. The second step is the Nutritional treatment which focuses on weight restoration, a balanced meal-plan and educating about the normal eating patterns. The last step is that of Therapy where, according to Eating Disorder Hope, the goal is to recognise underlying issues associated with the eating disorder, address and heal from traumatic life events, learn healthier coping skills and further develop the capacity to express and deal with emotions.
Eating Disorders are quite complex and perhaps not many of us will be able to fully comprehend the whys and the how. What I would suggest rather, is to keep an open eye and take action when necessary. Also, for those suffering from eating disorders, know that regardless of society’s views or what you think, you are beautiful and you are enough.
Sending buckets full of love your way,
Kavya H. Saikia 🌸
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